Confessions of a long time

On my way into work this morning, for some unexplained reason, I started thinking about the girl from my 7th grade gym class. I remembered how mean she was and how she seemed to take enormous pleasure bullying me. Yes, I can still see her face after all these years and her frizzy hairstyle that now reminds me of the woman who played in Young Frankenstein. And as I was driving, I imagined meeting her in the supermarket or even on the street. Yes……In my mind, I told her off good and perhaps made her feel a little guilty about the way she treated me. But even in my daydream, she looked at me as though I was crazy and had some severe emotional problems. And when I snapped back into reality, I began to wonder if maybe I really did.
As I sit here at my desk and think about where I am now, I have to wonder if maybe I'd only been stronger or had more confidence, maybe things could have been different. The Buddhist believe that we keep living our life over and over until we get it right and then we ascend to the next level. I wonder, will I have to do this all over again and if I do, will I take with me any knowledge from this life, so I won't just keep repeating the same things?
I once read that daydreaming is the way we get to live out our dreams in our mind that we would otherwise not get to do in real life. Maybe it's because that in your head, things always work out the way you want them to. But why can't that work in real life too? I live in a country where the word "freedom" historically is a God given right. Although, I must admit, I don't always feel so free. And when I take that long look back at my life, I'm not sure I've ever really been free. Over the course of my life, freedom and comfortably have been a gradual thing. Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy. I am happier now that possibly I have ever been. And I have been lucky enough to actually get to live out some of my dreams, although not all of them.
I still envision working in a little bar somewhere, making drinks or cappuccino's and listening to great music all day. Maybe even painting picture or an image on a otherwise lifeless wall. So yeah….I haven't totally given up that these things can still happen, I am just trying to figure out how to simplify my life so that they can happen. I doubt I will ever be lucky enough to win the lottery, so therefore I must plan for the future and leave room for the things that matter and that I have yet to get to do.
As I watch my coworkers by huge homes, that they admit they can't afford to pay for, much less heat and cool, I realize that 3500 square feet is not where my desire lies.
I'm not sure what actually possessed me to write all this. But somehow just talking about it makes it seem all that more real and do-able.
Some famous philosopher once said that the quality of life is measured by what you do for others and not what you do for yourself. I on the other hand happen to think that you can do a little of both. :o)

And to end this blog, I will include my favorite quote by a gentleman named E.E. Cummings.
It takes courage to grow up and be who you are.

Comments

nylon said…
LeighAnn,

I can definately relate to being bullied in junior high and high school. There was this one girl in junior high who used to call up and say threatening phone messages and she would push me into lockers in the hall. A good book to read about bullying it's an excellent memoir is Please Stop Laughing at me by Jodee Blanco. I've met the author and she is an amazing speaker and has a powerful story. I only hope to write like her one day. Thanks for reading my blog. Please keep reading. I am vowing to update more often.

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